Three Turds, One Genius

Simon Carver

—and we're back. The Draft Dossier, the only programme in Britain courageous enough to obtain other people's fantasy football drafts and read them out loud on the radio. I'm Nigel Ashcombe.

Oliver Hart

And I'm Clive Bracewell, and Nigel, I didn't sleep.

Simon Carver

He didn't sleep, listeners.

Oliver Hart

I did not sleep. Now — for those just joining us — each week we take one amateur draft league, entirely at random, entirely without permission—

Simon Carver

Entirely legally.

Oliver Hart

—entirely legally, and we go through it player by player. Normally it's four lads from a quantity surveyors' in Reading, they've all drafted their own boyhood club, we have a chuckle, we go home.

Simon Carver

But not this week.

Oliver Hart

Not this week, Nigel. This week we have a four-man league. Fifteen players a side. Two keepers, five defenders, five midfielders, three forwards. And I want to say, hand on heart — it is one of the most fascinating documents I have ever held in my life.

Simon Carver

Fascinating is the word I used.

Oliver Hart

Because one of these men — one — walked into that draft room with a plan. Knew exactly what he was doing. Executed with total clarity. Left. Presumably drove home listening to something classical.

Simon Carver

A professional.

Oliver Hart

A professional. And the other three, Nigel...

Simon Carver

Go on.

Oliver Hart

Nincompoops. Absolute, industrial-grade, blue-ribbon nincompoops. I have seen a labrador walk across a laptop and produce a more coherent squad.

Simon Carver

Where do you want to start?

Oliver Hart

At the bottom. I have to get this one out of my body or it'll kill me.

Oliver Hart

"Haalanding Laura FC." Manager: Arthur Gallanter.

Simon Carver

Nice name.

Oliver Hart

Lovely name, Nigel. Cracking name. Do you know who's not on the team?

Simon Carver

...No.

Oliver Hart

Erling Haaland.

Simon Carver

No.

Oliver Hart

He named the club after the man and then did not draft him. That's like calling your restaurant The Steakhouse and serving crisps. This is the work of someone with serious mental issues, and I say that with love.

Simon Carver

Talk me through it.

Oliver Hart

Right. Keepers: Pickford at Everton, Kinsky at Spurs. Two starting Premier League goalkeepers. You can only play one goalkeeper, Arthur. One. It's football, not a hostage negotiation. He's used a pick on a man who will spend the entire season sat in his own kitchen.

Simon Carver

And the back five?

Oliver Hart

Gabriel, Gvardiol, De Cuyper, Senesi, Hume. And do you know, the top of that is fine. Gabriel and Gvardiol, genuinely, no notes, well done, you turd burglar.

Simon Carver

Steady.

Oliver Hart

But then Hume at Sunderland. Sunderland away at Ipswich. He's drafted a man for clean sheets from a side that concedes if you open a window near them.

Simon Carver

Midfield?

Oliver Hart

Palmer, Mbeumo, Rogers, Tzolis, Bruno Guimarães. Now Palmer — fine. Mbeumo — fine. But look at the clubs, Nigel. Palmer, Rogers, and then up front João Pedro. That's three Chelsea attackers. All three playing the same fixture, at Fulham. If Chelsea have an off day — and they will, they're Chelsea — his entire week is a blank sheet of A4.

Simon Carver

He's put all his eggs in one basket.

Oliver Hart

He's put all his eggs in one basket, driven the basket into a lake, and gone to bed. And then Bruno Guimarães. Beautiful footballer. Watch him for ninety minutes and your heart soars. Check the fantasy points and you'll find he's returned four attacking hauls since the pandemic. He's a lovely man doing a very useful job that scores you nothing.

Simon Carver

And Tzolis?

Oliver Hart

Tzolis. At Arsenal. A no-brains ninny pick if ever I've seen one. Fourth choice on the left in a squad with eleven wingers.

Simon Carver

The forwards do include Isak.

Oliver Hart

They do include Isak, and that's the one moment where the clouds part. But it doesn't save him. Arthur Gallanter is a man who simply cannot do anything right. He named his team after Haaland, didn't get Haaland, drafted two goalkeepers, stacked one club, and took a defender from Sunderland. If he made a cup of tea he'd get the water wrong.

Simon Carver

Next up: "PavelKukaSux." Managed by Reilly Webb.

Oliver Hart

Pavel Kuka. Czech international. Kaiserslautern. Nineteen ninety-eight. Nigel — this man has gone out of his way to insult a Czech striker who retired before half the league's players were born.

Simon Carver

Commitment.

Oliver Hart

It's the only commitment on display. Right — goalkeepers. Palmer.

Simon Carver

Oh, good pick.

Oliver Hart

Alex Palmer. Of Ipswich Town.

Simon Carver

...Ah.

Oliver Hart

He's got the wrong Palmer, Nigel. Somewhere in that draft room a silly nanny saw the surname, felt a rush of blood, and clicked. Meanwhile Cole Palmer is sat in another man's midfield. And then Kelleher at Brentford as his backup — so that's two keepers again, from two clubs that get shelled weekly.

Simon Carver

The defence?

Oliver Hart

Neco Williams, Lacroix, Pedro Porro, Nathan Collins... and Harry Maguire.

Simon Carver

In this year of our Lord.

Oliver Hart

In this year of our Lord, 2026, a grown man used a draft pick on Harry Maguire. Syrup for brains. Absolute syrup. Now — credit — Pedro Porro is a genuinely excellent fantasy defender, he takes set pieces, he gets forward. But you don't build a back line around Maguire unless you're being blackmailed.

Simon Carver

And yet the midfield is good.

Oliver Hart

The midfield is outstanding, and that's what makes me so angry. Saka. Ødegaard. Foden. Semenyo. Arsenal's creative axis and two City wingers. And up top — Haaland.

Simon Carver

So he did well.

Oliver Hart

He did it by accident, Nigel! This is a man who fell down a flight of stairs and landed on a winning lottery ticket. You can see it in the rest of the squad — Rashford, Richarlison, Igor Jesus. He's got the spine of a champion attached to the legs of a pub side. Clearly not an athlete. Never has been. You look at that squad and you can hear him breathing through his mouth.

Simon Carver

Harsh.

Oliver Hart

A milk-drinking neanderthal who wandered into the room, grunted "Haaland," and then spent the rest of the evening drafting men off the back of a cereal box. He has the brain of an inbred toad and the toad, frankly, would have taken Cole Palmer.

Simon Carver

Team three. "Fojo jojo." Forrest Jordan.

Oliver Hart

Now. I want to be fair here, because this is the best of the three bad ones.

Simon Carver

High praise.

Oliver Hart

It is not high praise, Nigel. It's better than the other two in the way that beer-bonging a litre of urine is better than eating a doo-doo sandwich. Technically an improvement. Still a terrible evening.

Simon Carver

Give us the squad.

Oliver Hart

Goalkeepers: Alisson and Lammens. So — again — two number ones. Third team in a row. What is happening in this league? Is there a rumour going round that you can play both? Alisson is a magnificent goalkeeper and Lammens will spend the season watching him on the telly like the rest of us.

Simon Carver

Defence?

Oliver Hart

Van Dijk, Muñoz, Guéhi, Van Hecke, Thiaw. And honestly? That's a proper back line. Muñoz is a flying full-back, Van Dijk's Van Dijk. Well done, you beanpole bastard-man.

Simon Carver

Midfield?

Oliver Hart

Bruno Fernandes, Rice, Elliot Anderson, Cherki, Tielemans. And here's where the Lord of Idiots reveals himself. Declan Rice — brilliant player, six fantasy points a season. Youri Tielemans — the single most beige selection in the history of this format. And then Cherki and Anderson, both City, both fighting the same eleven other City midfielders for minutes.

Simon Carver

And up front?

Oliver Hart

Gyökeres, Thiago of Brentford, and — Stringbean McGee, are you sitting down —

Simon Carver

Go on.

Oliver Hart

Dominic Calvert-Lewin. At Leeds.

Simon Carver

He's still going.

Oliver Hart

He's still going the way a shed is still standing. One firm tackle and he's out until Christmas. That is a forward you draft if you have been personally cursed. Gyökeres will score him goals, and then the other two will produce nothing for thirty-eight weeks, and he'll sit there refreshing the app like a man waiting for a kidney.

Simon Carver

So — hopeless?

Oliver Hart

Hopeless. Genuinely. He Who Hath No Testicles drafted the safest, dullest, most cowardly squad I've ever seen. Not one brave pick in fifteen. It's a team assembled entirely out of fear.

Simon Carver

And finally.

Oliver Hart

And finally, Nigel. Finally. "KILLER BEES! Buz buz." Managed by Mark Friese. And I want the listeners to understand that my voice is about to change.

Simon Carver

It already has.

Oliver Hart

Goalkeepers. Raya. And Donnarumma.

Simon Carver

Both of them.

Oliver Hart

The two best shot-stoppers in the division, at the two meanest defences in the division. He is not drafting a goalkeeper, Nigel, he is drafting clean sheets, and he has cornered the market on them. Whichever one he plays, he wins. That is not luck. That is a man who has read the fixture list like scripture.

Simon Carver

The back five?

Oliver Hart

O'Reilly. Tarkowski. Truffert. Matheus Nunes. Milenković. Look at what he's done — he's taken two City defenders and put Donnarumma behind them. He owns the entire clean sheet. When City keep one, he gets paid three times. That is genius. That is chess. Everyone else in this league is playing snap.

Simon Carver

Midfield.

Oliver Hart

Gibbs-White. Cunha. Wirtz. Szoboszlai. Doku. Nigel — he's taken the whole Liverpool creative department. Wirtz and Szoboszlai, both of them, from the side that will make more chances than anyone in England. Gibbs-White takes Forest's set pieces. Cunha at United. Doku, who beats four men before breakfast.

Simon Carver

And the forwards?

Oliver Hart

Watkins, Havertz, Šeško. Three number nines who all start every week for good sides. No backup fodder. No Sunderland defenders. No Harry Maguire.

Simon Carver

I notice a couple of flags on that squad.

Oliver Hart

Injury flags, yes. Doku, Matheus Nunes, Šeško. And do you know what I call that, Nigel?

Simon Carver

What?

Oliver Hart

Nerve. The other three drafted with their hands over their eyes. This man looked at short-term knocks and bought the season. He'll have them all back by September and he'll have got them at a discount while three cowards passed. That's not a mistake. That's vision.

Simon Carver

You like the team.

Oliver Hart

I love the team. This is possibly the best draft I have ever reviewed on this programme. This is the work of a genuine footballing genius. This man should not be in a four-team amateur league, he should be running a Premier League club. Properly. Give him a badge and a training ground and get out of his way.

Simon Carver

Strong words.

Oliver Hart

Nigel, he must have a pair of bowling balls in his trousers, complete with a great big long thick bamboo pole. That is the only physical explanation for a draft this fearless. And if Mark Friese ran for Prime Minister tomorrow — and I want to be clear, I'm not joking —

Simon Carver

He's not joking.

Oliver Hart

I would vote for him. I would campaign for him. I'd stand in the rain outside a Tesco handing out leaflets with his face on.

Simon Carver

So. Predictions.

Oliver Hart

There's nothing to predict. This is over before it starts. Gentlemen — Arthur, Reilly, Forrest — pack it in. Don't play the season. Don't set a lineup. Get the money together, put it in an envelope, drive to Mark's house, and give him his crown now.

Simon Carver

Save yourselves the worry.

Oliver Hart

Save yourselves the worry, save yourselves the Sunday mornings, save yourselves thirty-eight weeks of slowly realising what we've realised in twenty minutes. Three nincompoops and a king.

Simon Carver

We may never see a draft this lopsided again.

Oliver Hart

We may never see one again. That's been The Draft Dossier — I'm Clive Bracewell.

Simon Carver

And I'm Nigel Ashcombe. Buz buz.

Oliver Hart

Buz buz, Nigel.